my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
