So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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