i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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