I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
