my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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