i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
