He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
