Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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