the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
