My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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