You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
