I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
