I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
