my mouth tastes like poor choices
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
