That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
