woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I've blown a few things in my day
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
