Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
