Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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