You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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