Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
