Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
