I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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