I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
