Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
