I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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