my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
