dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
