I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
