I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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