Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
