I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
