WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
