You're so nebulous sometimes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
