You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
