If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
