I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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