just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
