So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
