Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
