Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
