He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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