Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
