I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He felt like a one man threesome
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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