i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
