I think I died a long time ago.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize