Sry I called you an 8
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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