im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
