someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Someone came in the potted fern
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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