I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
