I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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