Your dad touched me again.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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