Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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