My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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