I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
