things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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