like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
