my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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