when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
