It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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