Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
