I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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