They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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